Lounge Beavers and Flutter Sucks (by Jenn)

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FLUTTER SUCKS:

Rian and I attended breastfeeding “how to” class last Wednesday, and it was an engorging good time! (hahaha) You can imagine Rian and I in this class I am sure, but let me help you paint a little picture. First of all, there was one of those annoying class-attenders who shows up early to ask all of her important questions of the teacher before anyone else gets there. She also wanted to prove how much she already knew about the subject, so she could be deemed the best student in class. I know how these people work, I am a teacher and I see it every day. Second, class starts. It is about five minutes into class and Rian and I are both laughing so hard (but trying not to look like we are) that I am crying and Rian and I both are shaking with glee. What were we laughing about so hard? you may ask yourself, well…after the first “incident”, Rian and I kept a list of all of the topics that could potentially make you cry laughing. Here is the list that I kept, get out the Kleenex. (Sidenote: If any family members are reading this, I am truly sorry about the grossness of our minds on this day in particular. I promise that I will try not to teach little BK this type of stuff in his life.) I will leave it up to you and you alone to try and figure out why Rian and I decided to put these things onto our list. Everything I am typing is strictly “medical”.

1. Air-E-o-la or A-REE-o-la.
Has anyone ever heard the pronunciation of areola as A-REE-o-la? Because I haven’t. Rian and I have this big thing about words that people like to pronounce differently and they always think their way is the right way. Here is a very brief sublist of words that people do this to, try to figure out the two different pronunciations on your own (what a fun game). Rian and I are always open to new words to add to the list as well:

  • Caribbean
  • data
  • cafe
  • refinance
  • areola

2. Flutter Suck
The good old flutter suck is what the baby does at first to try and get the milk to “free flow” or let down.
3. Flutter Suck vs. The Suck/Swallow
You want your baby to not just play around by only flutter sucking. You want baby to start sucking and swallowing as soon as possible.
4. C-Hold
This is when you hold your breast like a “C” and squeeze so that it is more comfortable for you and the baby. It can also sometimes help to let you milk down.
5. You have to squeeze it down before you fit it in.
Sometimes babies have very small mouths and you need to squeeze the nipple to fit it into baby’s little mouth.
6. You just got a little bit off!
At the beginning of breastfeeding, no milk is coming out, but just a weirdish yellow substance called colostrum. You should be very excited if baby gets a little bit of the colostrum because when baby is first born, it’s little stomach is the size of a small marble. So if you just get a little bit off, celebrate!
7. Ding Dong It
When you know it is time for baby to feed, you just need to slightly rub you nipples on the bottom of baby’s lips, or just “ding dong” the baby. “Hello baby, I am ready to feed you.” This will help stimulate baby’s feeding reflexes and willingness to latch on to your breast.

This is officially the end of my editorial on breastfeeding. If you have any questions, feel free to write an email to Rian’s Sack….of Mail and I will get back to you!

LOUNGE BEAVERS:

Rian and I travelled to Phoenix, Arizona a few weekends ago to see my friend Becky and her husband John. It was my last official airplane ride before BK comes, and we wanted to go somewhere. Becky is pregnant too (with a baby girl) and she is exactly four weeks ahead of me. So, we wanted to compare bellies, and get some good warmth in before the babies come.

It was an action packed weekend. When we got there, the first thing we had to do was eat of course. We hit the local In-N-Out for some major cheeseburger deliciousness. We then headed to Becky and John’s house where we had ourselves a four man baby shower. We weren’t able to make it to each others baby showers, so we had a mini one that night. You can check out the pictures on Becky’s blog, you can get to it on the right of my page or just click on the underlined section and it will take you right there, her blog is entitled “Operation PAKO” (stands for Operation Pop A Kid Out). We ended up playing a game of mad libs. They were “adult” mad libs, so we were trying to make things gross. Well, there was a particular mad lib where the term “Lounge Beaver” came up. (We came up with the Beaver, the book came up with Lounge). Rian and John thought that it would be cool to have Lounge Beaver as another name for the more appropriate “Cougar.” If you don’t know what a cougar is (and I am not talking the wild animal here people), again, I strongly urge you to write to Rian’s Sack….of Mail. He will give a full description I am sure.

The next day we went to the Phoenix area Swap Mart, where we proceeded to cross paths with a few Lounge Beavers and criminals. One man made sure to tell Rian the only way to get around the law of not allowing brass knuckles on the airplane, is to buy his steel knuckles. Then you can definitely get on the airplane! Becky and I ate the most glorious Sno-Cone of all time (which has of course become a craving for me everyday because they are not readily available to me). That evening we hit a nice Mexican food restaurant with the most serious sized portions of all time, and then we went to the Diamond Backs game. I have a picture from the game that deserves a separate blog on it’s own, so I will get to that on a later date. That night Becky and I ate our baby shower cakes and took pictures of our bellies. Again, you should check out Beck’s blog, because it has a nice picture of our comparison shots. Although, there is not much to compare. I am bigger than her. (Remember she is ahead of me by four weeks). Oh well, I guess I am cooking a Whopper of a BK! (hahahaha)

Stink Fingers, Hammocks and Belly Update (Part 2) by Rian

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Como estas? I’m back for Part 2 of this two part series called Stink Fingers, Hammocks and Belly Update. Strangely, since the first part of this story was aired, I’ve received a flood of fan mail and questions regarding this blog. It just so happens that the fan inquiries relate to hammocks and belly updates among other things. In a change of pace, I’ll be answering this fan mail in the new mailbag feature called Rian’s Sack…of Mail.

I heard somewhere that you and your wife named your dogs Nelly and Macy (Mase) after rappers. Do you think that we are couple soul mates because my husband and I named our dog Diddy after P-Diddy?
- Elaine V. Parker, CO

Elaine,
It’s possible. I was recently attending a Smoky Hill High School (SHHS) baseball game when my wife mentioned that Ryan and Elaine had also named their dog after a rapper. It made me think. Why would two random suburban couples be so compelled to name their pets after hip-hop artists? The conclusion I have come to is that we rule. And rappers typically go by one name that sounds tough. I have two female dogs that weigh a total of 18 lbs. Could you imagine the increased hilarity of me walking these Mighty Mites if I had to yell out names like Debbie Gibson or REO Speedwagon? “Debbie Gibson! Stop sniffing REO Speedwagon’s butt!”

I’m a long time reader, but a first time writer. Did you and Jenn really get the same anniversary gift for each other?
- Jill C. Denver, CO

Jill,
This is true, but there is a slight twist. I purchased a relaxing gift for my wife to enjoy during the summer months while she is bonding with our newborn child. She can swing and sway while the afternoon breeze soothes her every concern. I was given a hammock of sorts, but the comfort is somewhat different. I suppose I could use it during bonding time with our child, but Social Services might be a bit upset. And the afternoon breeze is a little harsher in this hammock. Plus my neighbors don’t think it’s funny. I’ve attached a picture of me in my anniversary gift. Thanks for being a fan.

My husband and I have been married for 1 ½ years. He always tells me that he wants to “practice” making babies. However, it makes me wonder, can you get pregnant from the bee-hind?
- EAB Ann Arbor, MI

EAB,
Wow! This is territory I’m not used to. Are you sure you weren’t trying to reach Ann Landers or Dr. Ruth? Lucky for you, I have the answer…NO! That’s an urban myth that you can get pregnant from the bee-hind. Much like the legend that says you CAN get pregnant after “doing it” only once. That is definitely a lie, it takes time people.

My co-worker is pregnant too, and was concerned about her baby bump. I explained to her that hers was normal, and even went to show her a picture of Jenn’s on this blog to prove the normalcy. Unfortunately, she saw the pictures of your hairy gut first and threw up everywhere. That’s a true story. How’s your baby bump?
- Kelly R. Castle Rock, CO

Kelly,
Thanks for chiming in. I’m happy to report that everything is going well. I’m at about 48cm so it’s definitely getting bigger. My clothes are a little tighter, and my shirts seem to be shrinking into 1980’s style half-shirts. Who doesn’t enjoy a little furry belly show during the warmer months?

Hi. I’m a big fan and just wanted to let you know that I almost fell out of my chair laughing while reading SFHBU Part 1. Where do you get your inspiration?
- Nancy W. Larkspur, CO

Nancy,
I’m glad you enjoy the blog. My inspiration comes from real life events with a little BS thrown in for fun. I’d say that 94% of everything in here is factually true as I interpret it to be. Except this question and my response to it; this is totally made up. I just wanted to give you a shout out.

Big Ri, LTNT! OMG, I’m ACORN person that is HOH about your blog! SFHBU Part 1 mad me LMAO! That was great! DYWTHOSABF?!! WCGABACP! TNT!
- Vaughny Parker, CO

(Translation: Big Ri, Long Time No Type. Oh My God, I’m A Completely Obsessive Really Nutty person that is Head Over Heels about your blog. Stink Fingers, Hammocks and Belly Update Part 1 made me Laugh My Ass Off! That was great! Do You Want To Hang Out Sometime And Be Friends? We Can Grab A Beer After Chaperoning Prom. Til Next Time.)

Vaughny,
WTF!?!! It looks like a high school girl texted me. That or your computer vomited alphabet soup everywhere. Do you realize it took me 37 minutes to translate your damn e-mail? Holy crap!

Yeah, I’m down for hanging out. Set something up with Jenn and Elaine. Next time just give me a call.

We’ve never met, and I know you and Jenn are coming to Phoenix this weekend to hang out with John and me. Are you really this funny in person?
- Becky D. Phoenix, AZ

Becky,
Yes. Yes I am.

Why I Am Not Sleeping (by Jenn)

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I have been having a VERY HARD time sleeping lately. But…don’t worry, I may have solved my problems. Here is why I am not sleeping well:

1. My sweet baby dogs will only sleep with me at night. Pretend I am sleeping on my right side with my knees slightly bent. Nelly makes her way to the top part of my legs resting her head close to my ever growing belly and what Rian likes to refer to as my “crotchal region.” Macy then precedes to sleep next to my right shoulder, curled up in a ball usually with her head tucked under my covers or on my pillow. It is precious. Every night Rian and I comment on how cute it is. Well, I don’t know if you have ever been pregnant dear reader, but you get HOT when you are pregnant. I like to think of hot as better looking, but what I really mean is my temperature is going up and up to the point where last night I had the ceiling fan on, a smaller fan pointed directly at me on, the window open and no heat on. I was sweating like a freak of nature. I think that the dogs are obviously increasing my temperature a bit as well. So every time I get to hot, I wake up and then I have to pee.

2. My hips are KILLING me at night. If I sleep on one side for to long (you can only sleep on your sides when you are pregnant), my hip on that particular side starts hurting so bad that I wake up and have to roll over. So every time my hips start to hurt, I wake up and then I have to pee.

3. Rian wakes up very infrequently during the night. But when he does, he wakes me up, and then I have to pee. Also, Rian will sometimes wake up and say something to me, or start a mini-conversation, which he has learned quickly not to do because if I am really tired, I just yell at him and tell him I am trying to sleep. I then feel bad for being snotty, wake up and then I have to pee.

4. I have to pee a lot during the night. I think last night was a record of five times between the hours of 11:00pm and 6:00am.

Here is what I am doing to try and make it better:

1. Using many fans and cooling devices. I also sleep in the most minimal amount of clothing possible. (We are talking bras and underwear here people). This is not working.

2. I try yelling at Rian to get him to help me with whatever my problem is. This is not working.

3. I try drinking all my main liquids earlier in the day so that maybe my pee problem will taper off at night. This is not working.

What I am going to try in the near future:

1. Sleeping in a different bed.

2. I just got a Snoogle pillow last night, we’ll see if that works. I tried it for about an hour, and it was glorious.

http://leachco.stores.yahoo.net/snoogle.html

3. I may buy a walk in refrigerator/freezer to sleep in.

Stink Fingers, Hammocks and Belly Update (Part 1) by Rian

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m here to chime in on a few recent postings by my better half. Mainly the stink finger, hammocks and a belly update. I will attempt to address these points in a two part series.

On to the stink finger! There I was, casually washing some dishes when my nephew rounded the corner laughing with delight. He recently learned to crawl, and he can’t get enough of it. That kid is the definition of pure joy when he’s crawling. He kind of laughs or screams with excitement as he tears through the house. It’s really hard to describe unless you’ve seen it, but I would liken it to me eating ice cream for breakfast. I shriek with delight while devouring the cool treat, especially if it’s before 9am. It’s the simple things in life people.

Anyway, Noah aka Stink Butt rolls in and sits up next to me. He makes a funny face and then, BOOM! The shot heard ‘round the world. It’s the foulest smelling “shot” I’ve ever encountered, and I have a dog with IBS folks. After the dirty bomb was detonated, I immediately went into crisis mode. The paint was already starting to peel off the walls so I needed to act fast. First order of business, confirm it was a direct hit. I scooped Stink Butt off the floor and sniffed his butt. (Normally that sentence would seem to be odd behavior, but I’ve seen this done by parents and grandparents before.) I dry heave for the first time. It’s confirmed, Hiroshima is in his pants. For reasons beyond my own comprehension, I decided I needed more evidence. And again, inexplicably, I put my finger into the back of his diaper for a closer look. BAM! My finger hits turd instantly. I dry heave for the second time. I was just trying to pull the back of the diaper out so I could look down for more proof. My eyes only needed to focus on my porridge encrusted finger to realize what an idiot I am.

So I’m freshly stink fingered, but I must push through because Stink Butt is in bad shape. The blast is contained to the diaper, however contamination can occur if clean up is delayed. I rallied the hazmat squad to get me two plastic bags, a fresh Pamper, some wipes, and a blanket…STAT! By this point, Jenn is in tears. I can’t tell if it’s from the outbreak of laughter she’s having or the horrible smell that has poisoned one of my dogs.*

At this point, I’m starting to impress myself. I’ve got Stink Butt in one hand, and I’m stripping him down so that we don’t get any leakage on his clothing, all the while I’ve totally tuned out Jenn’s hysterical laughter. I’m the epitome of focus. I lay down the blanket, and put a plastic bag over it. I put SB on top of the bag. I grabbed the wipes, the new diapy, and the hazardous materials sack and pull my shirt up over my nose. I go in…and dry heave for the third time. It’s the worst case of poop nuts I’ve ever seen. Poor SB has no idea how bad it is. It’s important to note his professionalism. This kid just had a bomb detonated in his pants that exploded up his back with toxic fallout in the front of his diaper, yet he still has a smile on his face. His calm demeanor really helped diffuse an extremely stressful and potentially life threatening situation.

It took 17 disinfectant wipes and 9.7 minutes to clean up the toxic waste. Both are records for a “dry clean” meaning I didn’t have to fully submerge the victim in an alkylalkanolamide surfactant and H2O solution. (Bubble bath) I put the used wipes and shredded diaper into the plastic bag and took it to the trash. I dry heave for the fourth time on my way. I got Stink Butt back into his clothes and let him roam around some more. He went right back to laughing and screaming as he scooted across the floor. Ironically, SB’s dad picked him up approximately 15 minutes after my life was permanently altered. I’ve regained about 68% use of the afflicted stink finger. Thankfully, I can still handle a Big Mac without too much difficulty. Doctors think I’ll need another three or four detoxification and sterilization treatments to restore the original smell of my beloved phalange. Until then, I’m forced to wrap it in scented toilet paper any time it may come in close contact with my nostrils…agh ugh…I just dry heaved again.

Stayed tuned for Part 2 of Stink Fingers, Hammocks and Belly Update.

* – No dogs or other living creatures were actually harmed during the telling of this story, except me.